Do You Respect Yourself?

Self-Respect: pride (a right estimation of self) and confidence in oneself, a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity (worthy of honor and respect); self-esteem; loving yourself and treating yourself with care

Lately, the more I explore and find out about myself, the more I'm hesitant to go deeper or further and peeling back the layers. Even with God. Let me explain. 

In learning about how to make friends (in "building connections"), I realized that if we can know ourselves better (our motives, our biases, our habits, etc.), then we can go into a relationship with greater understanding. We can adjust ourselves to meet the other person on a more personable level, if that makes any sense. So, in getting to know myself, I took a variety of personality tests - the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram are what I'll reference below. I expected some of their results, and yet others were surprising...

The Myers-Briggs said currently I'm an ENFJ (The Teacher). Of course, I am. I don't see this changing anytime soon. I know that I value education and self-improvement. I know that I see potential in others. I know that I'm organized. And, I know that I'm especially "tuned-in" to people; I can be an emotional barometer. I do this all the time for my husband. I can read his face and body language like a book. I can do this with others too. I honestly think it's weird that others CAN'T or DON'T do this as well because it's so obvious to me, and it bothers me to leave others unattended when they're down. All of this describes The Teacher. Yet, it surprises me that this person only shows up in 2.2% of the population (according to the test). Out of 100 people, there's only 2 of us. 

I have a gift of expression; I'm talented with words and using it to connect with others. That's so funny because here I am reading a book on making better connections when in reality, I'm actually good at this. Truthfully, I find it easier to write out things than talking face-to-face. It must be the fact that it gives me time to think it out, plan and use intentional words. I prefer planning to being spontaneous and flexible. Boy, do other people stretch me in this.

The part here that caught me off guard were the negatives: Empathetic to the point of being over-involved, can become overcommitted (having a lot on their plates), exhausted from too much negative emotion, impatient/demanding, sensitive to feedback (+ and -), can become disappointed when others are not as genuine, and find it hard to speak up about their needs. I would argue that I'm NOT an extrovert, but according to this I get energized by spending time with others. Hmmm...

The Enneagram says I'm a Giver. I'm driven by the desire to connect with others. Clearly. Seeks to love and help the people around them. Perceives when others need their support and they offer it unconditionally. Finds joy in being available and a source of encouragement. Through thick and thin, I'm a "ride-or-die" companion and friend. That checks. 

The surprise here is the motivation. It went into my childhood... that most likely I grew in an environment where my emotional needs weren't often met, and so I learned to adapt by meeting others expectations and repressing my own desires. I often fear being alone and unloved, so to cope I take care of others making myself central to their lives. I can come off as clingy and overbearing. I'm strategic with my relationships. 

It is scary to think what can be hidden in the crevices of my heart. What I do unconsciously. And now it's being made conscious. What if I don't like what I see? Vulnerability is tough. I talked about shame and here is more of me... being laid out on a platter.

I think my takeaway in all of this is to understand that I am valuable. I need to view myself that way all the time, though. Tell myself, you ARE approachable. Even strangers are drawn to me. You DO put a smile on others' faces when you're around. You have a knack for making others feel like the most important person in the world. People miss you when you're gone. And, they like you for YOU - it doesn't matter if they approve or not - BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. They will value your authenticity even more.

So I am here. Again. Trying to respect and admire myself. And in the midst of it all, I fell.

One of my hobbies is reading. I started a book club because I wanted to connect and allow my brain room to imagine. I accidentally bought a book full of cursing and smut. Should've flipped through the pages, but that is hindsight. And, when I arrived at that place I was reminded of lust and passions I had when I was younger. Here they are stirring again from fictional characters. Their passions stir up my own. The boy-crazed girl I once was. And, to add to injury... I had a weird dream a few days before. (After having taken the personality tests, I concluded that the dream was further proof that they were accurate.) I do, indeed, want others to like me and desire acceptance. I do fear being unwanted. I question - Am I especially drawn to men for personal attention I didn't get when I was younger? Do I use flirtations and emotional connection (being funny and superficially vulnerable) to win male friends? 

Spelling it out... I feel cringy. I also feel very awkward. Like - should I hold back on making friends or even talking with the opposite sex? Do I make myself too emotionally available to do that? Where is the boundary? I don't respect myself in this. At least in what I saw in those few moments. I'm let down by the fact I didn't make my relationship with the Lord a priority these last few days. I even received a devotion in my inbox that said, "Find your fulfillment in me." Let our relationship make you feel complete. It sickens me that I'm here. That I have to ask - Am I NOT finding fulfillment in Christ? Am I seeking fulfillment elsewhere? (In relationships)

But the moment one turns to the Lord with an open heart, the veil is lifted and they see. Now, the "Lord" I'm referring to is the Holy Spirit, and wherever He is Lord, there is freedom. We can all draw close to Him with the veil removed from our faces. And with no veil we all become like mirrors who brightly reflect the glory of the Lord Jesus. We are being transfigured into His very image as we move from one brighter level of glory to another. And this glorious transfiguration comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

(2 Cor 3:16-18 TPT)

 

I feel like I am being dipped again in the River Jordan like Naaman. In part, I am eager to just get to that seventh dip, but on the other hand, with each dip there is grit and muck that's been stuck there for years coming off. And while I am clean, I'm afraid that I'm raw and tender in these spots. It makes me uneasy. Lord, take my dis-ease.

I'm glad I have a bit of self-awareness now. I want to make the right decisions with the right motives. I want to behave with dignity and honor, setting myself apart for God wholeheartedly. I want to possess this earthly vessel (my body) with confidence and care. I'm afraid I'm not. And I'm afraid I am disappointing.

I approve of you, My child. Because you are Mine. 

You belong to me. You have my stamp upon you. 

My favor for all time.

This is on days when you perform well, and on days when you don't.

So do not reject Me when I come with affection and affirmation.

Do not reject looking in my perfect mirror.

You will see yourself through the eyes of Grace. 

 See how I view you as Holy and Blameless. 

This is your permanent position with Me.

I've given you My Holy Spirit to transform you. 

This is what I'm doing.

Cooperate with me.

If I am for you, who can be against you?